Beam Me Up
by SilvertonguedClotpole
Summary: SPOILERS FOR KINGSMAN THE GOLDEN CIRCLE! Following the events at PoppyLand Eggsy has time to reflect. Emotions in turmoil and a particular song does not help his feelings. He has so much locked away inside of him and in that moment they all come spilling out. "It wasn't going to go away...the devastation was rooted deep within him and already vined around every fibre of his being."


_**You know those sudden and absolute bursts of inspiration? I actually had one last night. Probably my one a year. So here it is.**_  
 _ **I must say, I'm a little bad in that I haven't seen TGC yet, but I have seen pretty much all the spoilers and posts on tumblr. That's where I got most of this information from, having said that, as I haven't actually seen it, there may be a few slight differences.**_  
 _ **Song is 'Beam Me Up' by Pink- I'm sure 'songfics' (if this can even be classed as one!?) are old school now but I never was one to be 'down on trends'. My usual of no beta and no copyright intended etc!**_

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His entire frame slumped into the chair, all fight leaving him and giving way to a strange emptiness yet earthly weight that had settled over him. His body felt too light and too heavy all at once. Both numb and sensitive. Full of energy, and sparse on life.

Sometimes songs played on the various devices, just random radio stations Merlin had programmed to play before or after a mission to distract Agents. Eggsy usually welcomed it but right now it was another noise to add to his headache. But he allowed himself to breath and calm down anyway, to focus on the song that was gently filling the space that Harry had vacated.

 _"...a parallel universe,_

 _where nothing breaks and nothing hurts..."_

If only. Right now, shit was broken and everything hurt. His body was used to pain, he had had to deal with that kind of pain for years, first from Dean and his goons, and more recently from his stunts as a Kingsman. His first run in with that deep set pain that made your chest tighten and your throat burn was when his dad died, then when he had to watch his mother fade into a shell of herself under Dean's 'care'. He had felt guilty when he found himself harbouring more grief for Harry's death than he had his own father's, what with the added regret of their last conversation. That pain had hurt him too. And then Roxy. JB. And now Merlin. How he wished nothing hurt, because it was cutting so deep, and wrapping itself so damn tightly round him that he never thought such emotions could cripple him like this.

 _"...Could you beam me up,_

 _Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it..."_

Fuck. All the people he would give anything for to have that minute extra with. All those things he'd want to say but knew he would never find the words for. They would never come because he would never be able to drag them up from the chasm they had fallen into deep down within him. He would try to tell his Dad that he'd made it, he'd fought off all the shit and made himself a life, a home. He'd tell him that his mum was safe and that they loved him so much. Roxy. Roxy he would hold, he would tell her that she didn't deserve this and he'd probably try to joke that she should have gone down in the badass way she lived her life all whilst wearing that fucking gorgeous dress she dragged him shopping to buy and those heels that Eggsy breaks his ankles in just looking at. She would know how much she meant to him, that she was family and the best damn agent and friend all mixed in one and no-one deserved her- not even Eggsy- because she was everything. JB he'd hug. He would call him a good boy and give him all the love and attention left in the world. Because he was a good dog, and he never would have changed him for a bulldog knowing the utter joy he ultimately brought to his life. And Merlin. He would want to punch that fucking Scottish bastard in the face but he knows there would be more chance of just running to him and falling apart. Never did he want someone to give their life for his. He would thank Merlin for all that he did for him, for getting him through V-Day, through Harry's death, and all the shit that followed. He would tell him how he was more than the 'tech guru', that- to him- Merlin was the most important part of Kingsman and as equally so in his life. He would scream that the mine was meant for him, that it would have been poetic for him to go out like his dad. And how fucking good Merlin's singing was.

 _"...probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face..."_

He would hold them all until his time ran out.

He would never let them go if he had the chance.

 _"...let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think,_

 _A minute's enough,_

 _Just Beam Me Up."_

Eggsy was _so_ tired. Life seemed to kick him in the balls all too often, throwing everything at him and making him fight so damn much. It was all so much and he wasn't sure how much more he could take, how much longer his cracks would hold together before he shattered completely. He wanted to feel the lightness of content, something that he thought he had a year or so back, when Kingsman was a welcomed challenge in front of him. There had still been Dean, the shit life back home but he had always carried with him the incentive and assurance of knowing that should he make it through he could make all of that bad go away. He could finally save his mum and Daisy, he could get rid of that fucker and give them all the things Lee had one day dreamed of. But as everything seemed to do in his life, that vanished and the heaviness of the world fell on him again. Harry died. He fucked up his training. V-Day happened. And even after all that, even when he was granted a second chance and given the opportunity to save his mum, the cloud never went away that he had let Harry down and that their final time together had been so full of anger. Eggsy had wanted his mentor, his friend, back. All of that weight seemed like a feather to him now though. Suddenly his legs wobbled even when he was sat down, his back ached from the stiffness of his frame and his heart and head throbbed with pulsating shots of guilt and pure grief. It wasn't going to go away, no matter how much he killed the enemy, no matter who he fought or how much his body was momentarily distracted, the devastation was rooted deep within him and already vined around every fibre of his being.

 _I'm tired of being a fighter._

Eggsy loved Kingsman, he wasn't going to give that up but he wished he could stop having to fight every other part of his life. He knew the threat that came with being a Kingsman, the shadow of death that could be lingering around any corner, but why did it seem to follow him. Why did life give with one hand but seem to snatch away with the other all too quickly and fiercely?

Oh how he could change it all. Bring Roxy back. Bring Merlin back. Let his father know he loved him and give his mother a chance to have her moment. JB could be safe with the new Mr Pickles and everything would be alright. He would make them all happy just like he always wanted them to be. It was them who mattered the most to him, them who he would give the world to.

He wasn't aware of the presence from the cockpit. He didn't see nor hear the strides of Harry as he advanced toward him after his initial frozen state at seeing the young agent in front of him. It was only when arms wrapped around him, when the floor banged against his knees and his lungs screamed out that he knew he had tipped over the edge. Eggsy must have collapsed off his chair- did that even happen?- fallen to the floor and partially into Harry's arms. His eyes streamed and his voice screamed out in a cacophony of all that he felt inside. Whenever he saw people scream in grief in movies he laughed, thinking how overdramatic it was, but now he knew. He knew the burning release it gave, an outlet of epic proportions of both relief and wrenching pain. His throat was raw, and his lungs screamed with him that he was using oxygen he didn't have in the first place. Harry was holding onto Eggsy just as tightly as Eggsy was holding on to Harry, their arms supporting what they could, holding together the last dregs of broken pieces. Eggsy latterly realised Harry was rocking them both, holding his protégé with such tenderness and comforting him through the worst of the pain. Through the thumping of his heart and the ringing in his ears he heard Harry shushing him, a constant pursing of his lips, a gentle whistle as the air slipped through his teeth. He focused on that, following Harry's breathing too to realign his protesting lungs. Slowly he came back to the plane, to the space that just he and Harry occupied now. No Merlin, no Roxy. The relief he suddenly felt of having Harry back made him realise how his mind had taken the man away again during its downfall. It had made it seem like his miracle return had been some dream and that Eggsy had been alone all along. A small part of him returned, knowing that Harry was indeed still with him, one more thing to cling to. He could still hear the music, but it had changed to something more upbeat, a song he could picture him and Roxy dancing to on one of their nights out. It made him smile to think of her flaunting it, how he would dance and watch her, loving her being in his life. He would stare down boys, and girls, that came too close, size them up and hover to find out all he could, to see if they were good enough for his Roxy. He imagined Merlin sighing at them, at the song, his fingers on the bridge of his nose but a small smile hiding behind the hand on his face. Merlin was smitten and completely taken by the two latest Agents.

Harry continued to hold him, the both of them grieving but finding comfort in one another's company. It would be a long road from here, with many more hardships. As long as he had Harry Eggsy hoped he could continue to fight through.

God forbid the day he ever lost his final few supports.

 _Beam me up._

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 _ **I'm not wanting to believe the deaths, and I'm sure if I do get any more Kingsman fics out they will all contain Roxy, Merlin, Eggsy and Harry (etc), I will choose to ignore those particular TGC scenes. I'm sure I wanted more depth to this but for now I will leave it as is- I may end up writing a Harry POV chapter of his part at the end with Eggsy but we'll see what happens. Also, I'm electing to ignore the wedding and Eggsy giving Kingsman up, can you tell?**_

 _ **I hope you 'enjoyed', and please leave me your thoughts. Take Care. X**_


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